Types of Catholics – A Lexicon

Programs, programs, get your program right here! You can’t know the players without a program!


Cafeteria Catholic: “I’ll have a double-order of  ‘sex is holy’, hold the ‘no contraception’, please.”

Convert:  Comes to Catholicism via another faith, or none at all

Extrovert: The one person in your parish who actually greets visitors.

Introvert:  Everyone but the extrovert. (See Extrovert)

Revert: Born and raised Catholic, has left the faith but then returns. Thought – technically, couldn’t a convert become a revert?

Threevert: Obvious, no?

Father:  Describes a man in our parish years ago. Sixty-something, gray beard, always wearing black trousers and a black short-sleeve shirt. I swear he’d have worn the collar if he thought he could get away with it.  Father’s favorite seat in the pews wasn’t a seat at all – it was a chunk of real estate behind the last row of pews in the middle of the center aisle. He’d alternate between standing and kneeling. I don’t know if I ever actually saw him actually go prostrate during the Mass or if it is just something that time has falsely planted in my memory, but he certainly seemed to have been desirous of Holy Orders. Do you have a “Father” at your parish?

Indignant Visitor: Loves to follow up their first Mass at your parish with complaints to the priest about everything that was wrong with the liturgy, the parishioners, the parking lot, the plumbing, etc .

Infallible Idiot: Complains about liturgical abuse, violation of tradition, lack of compliance with archdiocesan instructions, etc., convinced that they are correct, except that they’re not.

Season Ticket Holder:  Their most sacred tradition is where they sit during Mass.

“The air conditioning is too cold!”
“There’s a vent right below you. If you move over there, or there, or there you’ll be fine.”
“But this is my seat!”

Statue: You come into the sanctuary and they’re kneeling at a pew, praying. During the Mass they never move. It’s as if the Mass is not occurring. You leave and they’re still there, not moving. You think to yourself: “Does housekeeping dust them on Saturdays?”

Walking Dead: Described me for the better part of twenty-five years and I suspect it describes a lot of others as well. A Walking Dead is a would-be revert who just never got around to leaving.

Committed Catholic: All kidding aside, most Catholics I know are committed Catholics. We rejoice at our membership in the Church started by Jesus Christ. We revel in the fullness and richness of our Catholic heritage and traditions. We are members of a world-wide family. Any Mass, in any country, we may not know the language, but we know exactly what is going on.

Do you have any humorous categories to add? Send them to me!  Please register (see Register on the left navigation bar) and post them as a comment.