I have a confession to make: for as long as I can remember, in matters of faith, religion, spirituality, whatever you want to call it, I have been, as they say, “lukewarm” at best and “faking it” at worst.
I cannot count the number of times during the examination of conscience at a “communal penance” mass where the priest said things like “Is Christ the center of your life?” or “as you go through your day, are you conscious of the presence of Jesus in all that you do?”. My internal response to these sorts of questions varied by my level of lukewarmness that particular day. It could be as good as “Gee, I wish I could feel that way…” Or it might be as bad as “a person that answers ‘yes’ to such a question can’t possibly be living in the real world.”
For twenty-six years as a Catholic I’ve felt this way and I, more than most people should not have felt that way. I’ve had two supernatural encounters in my life and several other incidents that were clearly “proof”, either of a divine being, or my own insanity. And still I resisted. Why?
My entire adult life I’ve worked in the realm of software system development. I’m pretty much a “show me” kind of guy. I much prefer operating from a position of knowledge than one of guessing or hoping. In short, behind every “thing” there is a reason and a way to verify it.
Don’t get me wrong: I liked the idea of faith. I liked the idea of an afterlife, of spending an eternity with all my long-departed relatives and friends. I just needed something a little more in the way of…proof, even more than the supernatural encounters I’d experienced. Talk about stubborn!